Guilt and Shame
It's not my fault. Is it? Is this karma for past mistakes? Past behaviour? Is Karma real? Maybe.
So why do I feel so incredibly guilty?
I hate feeling the need to apologise for needing help with tasks I can no longer do.
My main feelings of guilt are towards my family. I would have loved to play football with my son when he was younger. I hate that he knows how to set up my wheelchair and can push it around. I hate that he has to make my breakfast and help me before meeting up with his friends. He didn’t sign up for this, and I am so sorry, son. So very sorry.
I feel guilty towards my wife. She married me when I was able-bodied. I feel responsible and ashamed for having Myotonic Dystrophy, it’s not what she signed up for. It’s not what she deserves. I am so sorry.
I should be the one who takes the bins out. I want to help with the housework. I wish I could take the dog for a walk. I wish I could be handy in the garden. But these responsibilities fall to my wife and son. And always will. There is no cure.
Even going away, I hate the pressure and shame of finding accommodation that is “wheelchair accessible” and has a disabled shower and toilet. I watch the options shrink. Which activities are available to me and which are not. Planning wheelchair help at all airports, stations, bus stops. I am so sorry I need this help.
I feel like I am a burden, adding unnecessary responsibility and effort to the lives of the people I love. And this will only increase. My wife is getting older. My son will leave home. My guilt is overwhelming.
I am so sorry I am such a burden. Is it me? God? Bad luck? Karma?
Whatever the reason (is there one?) I suffer from the guilt and pain daily and I don’t know which is worse.